The Twitter Fail Whale Isn't the Problem, It's the Birds Trying to Carry It


Everybody knows about, and collectively dreads, the sudden appearance of the fail whale on Twitter. After literally minutes of intense investigation I’ve finally figured out what the issue is. It’s not the whale.

It’s fairly common knowledge that Twitter is actually powered by a select group of specially trained whales with hydrogen generators on their backs that charge themselves as the whales swim through the ocean. Unfortunately with the state of the ocean today sometimes there just isn’t enough krill floating around to keep these behemoth mammal generators going. Occasionally they actually become too weak to swim to a new part of the ocean and with that sudden loss in power Twitter’s other team of whale generators can’t handle the load which causes the site to become overloaded.

That’s where the birds come in. Once the whale is too weak and hungry to swim far enough to find a new source of food, the birds come in to airlift him (or her Twitter is an EOE) to a new feeding ground. The problem is that these birds are like the stupidest birds on the planet and the fail whale image proves it.

First of all, there’s only eight birds to airlift a whale? That sounds a bit implausible, but I digress. If you look at the picture above you’ll notice that, of the eight birds, four are flying in the wrong direction. This is insane! These birds can’t even get their shit together to fly in the right direction. I’m no math major but it seems to me if you have eight birds carrying around a whale and four birds are flying in one direction and four birds are flying in the other direction you’re going to get nowhere fast.

With all the funding and advertising revenue Twitter is pulling in you would think they could afford to hire someone to train these birds how to fly in the right direction. It’s now quite apparent where the term “birdbrain” came from, these birds are obviously not the sharpest tools in the bunch.

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