I’m generally not a conspiracy theorist, at least I would never admit to being a conspiracy theorist in public for fear that it would bring swift and terrible retribution, but even I can’t ignore the similarities between Duloc’s Lord Farquaad and Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg any longer. The facts are just too overwhelming to not investigate more thoroughly.
Duloc, the quaint little town run with an iron fist of Farquaad and Facebook seem to have quite a bit in common. Namely that they’re both run by creepy, overly confident men who try and mask their “shortcomings” by building giant phallic castles (I’m still doing research on this accusation as I have yet to actually find any concrete evidence that Zuckerberg has built a castle of any sort) whose sole purpose seems to be to try and get people to forget about their tiny appendages.
Fortunately, that’s not where the similarities end:
- Both Farquaad and Zuckerberg’s kingdoms were built to impress women that ultimately didn’t love the creepy bastards. Farquaad was forced to marry Fiona so he could be crowned King of his Kingdom and Zuckerberg coded Facebook in a “tidal wave” of grief after being dumped by his girlfriend. Both noble gestures but obviously these guys have no clue what women want. Today’s woman wants to feel involved, like they’re important. That’s why I always insist on going halfsies on my dates to Red Lobster. It’s not because I’m cheap, it’s because it allows women to feel empowered.
- Both “Farquaad” and “Facebook” start with the letter “f”. Not only do they both start with the letter “f” but the “f” on Farquaad’s banner looks shockingly like the “f” in Facebook’s logo. By “shockingly” similar I mean to say that they are both lowercase. I can only take so many “coincidences” before I start believing far-fetched incredulous theories.
…after Zuckerberg quit Harvard his personal life spun out of control, with Parker helping him indulge his fantasies with a stream of “groupies”. Sorkin’s screenplay suggests Parker knew Zuckerberg was driven not just by money or fame but also sexual insecurity. While he is depicted as receiving sex in bars, Parker runs the business.
Does that not sound disturbingly similar to the completely fictional backstory that I made up to fill in Farquaad’s character issues? Doesn’t it?!
The bottom line is, can’t you imagine Zuckerberg lying nude on some type of animal hide blanket while sipping a martini and telling some innocent, likely repulsed and now incredibly nauseous girl that he’s the guy who coded Facebook? Can’t you?!
The bottom line of the bottom line is that if the answer to that question is “yes”, then you are contractually obligated (by terms of a contract that was completely made up by me and agreed to, in principle, as soon as your read the first word of this post) (yes, I know you’re thinking that sounds completely ludicrous but it’s actually a quite common thing in the blogosphere although I wouldn’t expect you non-blogees to know that) to not only believe everything else I have written here but to go on a crusade to get as many people as possible to read this post to persuade them of your new beliefs.
Listen, of course I don’t want to have to take anyone to court but if you read the first word of this post and did not do everything in your power to spread this post around to as many of your friends as possible then you are openly defying the terms of the contract I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Whether I want to litigate this or not my conscious would not allow me to allow you to get away with something so despicable.
If you have any questions or comments about the terms and conditions of our legally binding contract please send $1 to my Paypal account at email@example.com and I will be more than happy to consider answering at least one of your questions.