If you’ve had the chance to visit the lovely, up and coming neighborhood of Park Slope, there’s a good chance you’ve had at least one encounter with the Stroller Mafia. Sure, the stroller mafia is probably an inevitable side effect of gentrification but that still doesn’t take away the sheer terror of finding yourself face to face with a group of stroller wielding yipsters (half yuppies half old hipsters) with a since of entitlement. It is my friends, a ride you don’t want to find yourself on.
The stroller mafia has managed to completely infiltrate Park Slope and make it their own. These women aren’t toting around your average, everyday strollers, hell no! They’re sporting the top of the line in stroller power, they have two, three and sometimes four seater strollers waiting to mow you down on the sidewalk for so much as unintentional glance in their direction.
I’ve heard stories of the mafia actually forming roving gangs of 9, 10 or sometimes more, and completely taking over restaurants, bookstores not to mention the poor boutiques. There’s a Park Slope legend that is only spoken about in hushed whispers. Supposedly a bartender at one of the restaurants taken over by the lactating capos was hit pretty hard and has never been quite the same. Rumor has it he spends his days rocking back and forth and muttering “please, no more mimosa’s, no more crayons”.
Wreckless, savage, entitled, when the SM rolls in they leave a breast feeding, baby screaming, food throwing, mother hitting trail of destruction. This is fair warning to all, if you dare brave the Slope, beware. The stroller mafia is everywhere.
The SM lives by strict code of conduct that cannot be broken. Rule number one, there is only one rule, and that’s to never, ever discipline your kids. Ever! Rumor has it a woman once politely asked her kid to “please sit down”. No one ever saw her again. Some say she went into hiding…others, well I don’t really want to get into what the others say happened.
Sure, there are still nice, decent things about Park Slope. Are they harder to find now with the lawless band of stroller dons around? Maybe. Will the SM be able to maintain its iron grip of power forever? Who knows. One thing is certain though, at least for now, there’s only one law in this neighborhood and that’s the law of the stroller mafia.