The History of Thanksgiving


Yet another momentus holiday in the American tradition is upon us. Thanksgiving. And this year, we all have a lot to be thankful for. For instance, I’m thankful for the fact that I have four more years worth of material for my blog.

Sadly, not many Americans know the true history of our wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. Sometimes amongst all the celebration, and all the thankfulness of how perfect our lives are, we sometimes forget the tradition and history of one of the world’s most specialist of days. Thanksgiving.

It all started about 2000 years ago in a far off land that no one remembers the name of. A small group of white people, legend has it there were only seven of them left in the entire world, other accounts say there were as many as 15, perhaps the true number will never be known, were wandering the earth figuring out a way to take it over.

This small, unwanted and mistreated band of white people, led by a guy named Jesus, roamed the countryside in search of a homeland. Their journey was fraught on all sides by danger because everywhere they went, they tried to take over and no one liked them at all.

One day their leader, Jesus, had a great idea. A mass suicide. Jesus’ idea was for the small band of white people to build boats and set sail, and keep sailing until they just fell off the end of the earth. You see, back then people were much stupider than they are now (I know it’s hard to believe) and they believed that earth was not only flat, but five miles wide too.

Well that little band of determined white people got to work building their boats. The legend goes that they built those boats out of nothing more than spit, pinecones and determination. 72 years later the boats were finally finished. It took so long because instead of doing the work themselves the white people kept trying to get all the darker people to do the work for them.

Finally, they set sail. Determined to end their years of struggle and misery. After about five hours at sea, resolved that their struggle was near its end, the surprised white people saw land. A new land. One they’d never even heard of. A land they decided to call Frickensmelland. Thankfully, they later changed the name to America.

When the small, haggard group of white people, exhausted from thier 5 hour sea voyage, finally made land they were ecstatic. Their leader, Jesus, was so happy that he immediately found a rock and named it Plymouth, after his dream car the 1971 Plymouth Road Runner.

The white people celebrated like it was 1999. Jesus turned some water into wine and quickly wrote up a Constitution on two stone tablets for the white people’s new land in which he proclaimed that all men, especially the white ones, were equal here.

The noisy celebration woke up the peacful people who already owned the land now being occupied by the white people. This is the first time in history that Jesus and the whites meet some Indians. When the Indians politely asked the white people to keep it down the white people killed them all, ate a turkey and gave thanks for being so damn good.

Every year since that great day, we have chosen a random Thursday in November to celebrate our initial invasion of our new home. Thank you Jesus and the white people. God bless, everyone.

And that kids, is the one and only, true history of Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

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