The History of Valentine's Day

Well it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow. A day for love and understanding and getting your freak on. A day when George Bush and Al Qaeda hold hands and forget about all the killing, if even for a day. A day when religious leaders from all over the world embrace mankind and let them know how special they are, especially priests and especially little boys.

Men from around the world have saved up all year to buy flowers at a 500% markup. Hundreds of thousands of chocolate factories are sitting around smoking fat cat cigars and laughing at the clueless men stumbling around trying to figure out the difference between German and Bavarian chocolate. These indeed are the times that try men’s souls.

Every year, if you’re in a relationship, you get wrapped up in this holiday somehow. Surprisingly enough though, not a lot of people know the origins of Valentine’s Day. I took the following from the World Book of Facts and Guides.

Valentine’s Day began way back in the year 52 B.C. when a little boy named Ulysses Artuvius Valentine fell in love with the little girl across the street. The story goes that Valentine, a slave boy, would only be allowed to roam freely one day a year, that day was Feb. 14th. The other 364 days were spent shoveling shit from the horse stalls and changing the water at the bathhouses, not to mention being a boy sex slave to some upper-class Roman.

It was on this day, Feb 14th that Valentine first saw and fell in love with the girl across the street, who had a beautiful head full of blond curls, haunting blue eyes and a slight limp from where a wild pig had eaten off half of her right foot.

Valentine spent the entire year thinking about his new found love and what he could do to make her happy and to make her love him the next time he was allowed out of his master’s house. Valentine saved up all year, he only earned a half a penny a week, but he saved every bit of it and the next year he spent it all on the girl he loved. Setting a precedent that would last throughout the ages. He bought her a chocolate Ceasar, and some wild flowers from the Garden of the Gods flower shop and he even managed to not get caught while forraging for food behind the local Greek Diner. His love for her was very strong.

Valentine did this every year for the next 15 years until finally the little girl, who was all grown up now, fell madly in love with him.

Well, by this time every man in town knew about Valentine’s yearly homage of love and they all figured if it could land a poor slave boy some tail it couldn’t do them any harm either. So the next year, every guy in town spent a ton of money on chocolates and flowers and food, and every single one of them got laid that night. Valentine’s day has been a yearly tradition ever since.

So this year, when you buy your significant other something you think they might like, and something that will hopefully make them love you more and make them want to put out, make sure you think about the little Roman slave boy who started it all, Ulysses Artuvius Valentine.

Happy Valentines Day everyone.


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