Legalized Junkie


Every night before I go to sleep I tell myself that in the morning I will start fresh and quit smoking. Today is the first day of my “experiment”. Like most people that smoke I have tried numerous times before to quit and eventually failed every single time. Now I sit here on my first day of not smoking. I feel sleepy and scattered, nervous and edgy but still part of me feels better than I ever do when I am smoking. And still another part of me wants a cigarette, that part of me feels guilty about feeling good. That part of me already misses all the times I’ve bonded with complete strangers over a cigarette. That part of me misses going outside to have a cigarette only to get away from the really fucking annoying people who were hanging out inside who were and always will be “the non-smokers”. Still that part of me is gone.

I need it to be gone, now more than ever. I have fallen into the self destructive pattern of feeling more grounded when I’m doing something that is unhealthy. Feeling like I don’t give a shit when I wake up wheezing from smoking too much the night before. I am 29 years old and I can barely walk up the four flights of stairs without having to take a few minutes to catch my breath afterwards. Missing out on the gym or pick-up basketball games or football games in the park because I know there’s no way in hell I can breathe well enough to play. Running out of breath while I’m fucking my girlfriend who deserves better than that. I get angry, upset and frustrated, I smoke them one pack at a time. That’ll show ‘em.

Still what pisses me off is how easy cigarettes are to get. Prostitution is illegal. As long as you are safe and have a responsible hooker who is safe and gets checked out, hiring a hooker will never, NEVER EVER kill you. Will never cause you to lose a lung, will never cause you to die at the age of 37. Will never cause you to cough up blood or wheeze and spew phlegm. In fact, if you’re doing it right and really going to town you’re probably getting a pretty damn good workout. Sex is proven to be a better workout than running or swimming. As a matter of fact, prostitution should not only be legal it should be mandatory! If you are not getting any kind of ass on the regular you should be required to get your fat, out of shape ass out there, hire a hooker and put the wood to her.

As the nicotine leaves my body I can feel it hanging on with all its might. I can feel that is attached to me from the inside. I can feel it’s poison refusing to let go, trying to get me to go back, go back to the pack a day, go back to feeling like shit but not caring as long as I got my fix. Feeling like a junkie, but not to worry a legalized junkie so it’s ok. The government regulates the growth of tobacco and makes money off it so I can use it to feed my habit. It’s FDA/USDA/ATF/FBI/CIA/USA approved. Buy it, smoke it, sell it, taste it, love it, need it, we don’t give a fuck, as long as you buy it.

And to make it even better, the drug is so fucking amazing that once you get hooked on it, you become the biggest advocate of having it around. The Big Business Tobacco Companies have a built in army of supporters from people who trade their money for their lives everyday. They know they can step back, slow down on advertising and put up flyers about how bad their products are for you, because they already know the truth. It’s the best fucking drug in the world and once you get hooked on it, you’ll damn near fight anyone who tries to take your right to do it away from you.

If you saw any other drug user in the world acting like smokers you would more than likely freak out and think they had a serious fucking problem and really needed to get help. There are millions of regular drug users in America that maintain regular jobs and get through them each day without using until they get home. How many cigarette smokers do you know that go an entire day at work without having a cigarette?

Now, don’t get me wrong, this is a personal decision. I’m not turning into one of those holier than thou reformed non-smokers who preaches to everyone about the evils of smoking. Everyone around me right now are still smokers and will more than likely continue to be for quite a while. Hell I may be a smoker again in a week or month or year, who knows. These are just the rambling thoughts I’m having now, the thoughts that collide inside my brain in between wanting to go back to sleep and staring off into space. The thoughts I’m having as the poison fights and holds on to stay in my body. For now I am winning. For now I am strong. For now I say fuck you to the tobacco companies, I’ll spend my money on something else and find new ways of killing myself and I don’t need you to help me you corporate whores.

That’s what I say for now anyway. Now if I can just remember to write the Surgeon General about my idea to get the country in shape through legalized prostitution.

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