It Takes Two


The first day of quitting smoking is always the strangest. You’re vision feels fucked up, your mind is in a million different places and nowhere all at once. You can’t think, you can’t not think. Earlier a guy got on the elevator and pushed the floor that was before mine, so it meant one extra stop for me, I thought I might lose my mind, I imagined grabbing the guy and throwing him out of the elevator when we got to his floor.

Legalized Junkie


Every night before I go to sleep I tell myself that in the morning I will start fresh and quit smoking. Today is the first day of my “experiment”. Like most people that smoke I have tried numerous times before to quit and eventually failed every single time. Now I sit here on my first day of not smoking. I feel sleepy and scattered, nervous and edgy but still part of me feels better than I ever do when I am smoking. And still another part of me wants a cigarette, that part of me feels guilty about feeling good. That part of me already misses all the times I’ve bonded with complete strangers over a cigarette. That part of me misses going outside to have a cigarette only to get away from the really fucking annoying people who were hanging out inside who were and always will be “the non-smokers”. Still that part of me is gone.

I need it to be gone, now more than ever. I have fallen into the self destructive pattern of feeling more grounded when I’m doing something that is unhealthy. Feeling like I don’t give a shit when I wake up wheezing from smoking too much the night before. I am 29 years old and I can barely walk up the four flights of stairs without having to take a few minutes to catch my breath afterwards. Missing out on the gym or pick-up basketball games or football games in the park because I know there’s no way in hell I can breathe well enough to play. Running out of breath while I’m fucking my girlfriend who deserves better than that. I get angry, upset and frustrated, I smoke them one pack at a time. That’ll show ‘em.

Still what pisses me off is how easy cigarettes are to get. Prostitution is illegal. As long as you are safe and have a responsible hooker who is safe and gets checked out, hiring a hooker will never, NEVER EVER kill you. Will never cause you to lose a lung, will never cause you to die at the age of 37. Will never cause you to cough up blood or wheeze and spew phlegm. In fact, if you’re doing it right and really going to town you’re probably getting a pretty damn good workout. Sex is proven to be a better workout than running or swimming. As a matter of fact, prostitution should not only be legal it should be mandatory! If you are not getting any kind of ass on the regular you should be required to get your fat, out of shape ass out there, hire a hooker and put the wood to her.

As the nicotine leaves my body I can feel it hanging on with all its might. I can feel that is attached to me from the inside. I can feel it’s poison refusing to let go, trying to get me to go back, go back to the pack a day, go back to feeling like shit but not caring as long as I got my fix. Feeling like a junkie, but not to worry a legalized junkie so it’s ok. The government regulates the growth of tobacco and makes money off it so I can use it to feed my habit. It’s FDA/USDA/ATF/FBI/CIA/USA approved. Buy it, smoke it, sell it, taste it, love it, need it, we don’t give a fuck, as long as you buy it.

And to make it even better, the drug is so fucking amazing that once you get hooked on it, you become the biggest advocate of having it around. The Big Business Tobacco Companies have a built in army of supporters from people who trade their money for their lives everyday. They know they can step back, slow down on advertising and put up flyers about how bad their products are for you, because they already know the truth. It’s the best fucking drug in the world and once you get hooked on it, you’ll damn near fight anyone who tries to take your right to do it away from you.

If you saw any other drug user in the world acting like smokers you would more than likely freak out and think they had a serious fucking problem and really needed to get help. There are millions of regular drug users in America that maintain regular jobs and get through them each day without using until they get home. How many cigarette smokers do you know that go an entire day at work without having a cigarette?

Now, don’t get me wrong, this is a personal decision. I’m not turning into one of those holier than thou reformed non-smokers who preaches to everyone about the evils of smoking. Everyone around me right now are still smokers and will more than likely continue to be for quite a while. Hell I may be a smoker again in a week or month or year, who knows. These are just the rambling thoughts I’m having now, the thoughts that collide inside my brain in between wanting to go back to sleep and staring off into space. The thoughts I’m having as the poison fights and holds on to stay in my body. For now I am winning. For now I am strong. For now I say fuck you to the tobacco companies, I’ll spend my money on something else and find new ways of killing myself and I don’t need you to help me you corporate whores.

That’s what I say for now anyway. Now if I can just remember to write the Surgeon General about my idea to get the country in shape through legalized prostitution.

A Boy Named Sue


It seems like the past decade or so the amount of astronomical lawsuits against corporations have increased almost exponentially. I was reading this article which is what got me thinking about all of this.

I was raised to pretty much believe that there is almost always a solution to be had without suing someone. My family also believed in the fact that, to put it bluntly, shit happens. Sometimes shit happens and it’s no one’s fault. Yes in a perfect world a company would take endless measures to prevent this or that from happening, but when something is a one in a million shot, what are the chances of truly preventing it.

I think that in general most people share this point of view. I think that most people would rather not sue or understand that sometimes shit happens. Of course there are always people looking to get over on other people or get a “free ride” so to speak but I have a feeling that they are a very small percentage of the population. Smaller even than the number of “frivolous” lawsuits would have us believe.

So why is it that our country has gone sue crazy? What has turned a typically hardworking, strong citizenship into a whiny group of plaintiffs?

I think a large number of people are starting to realize that unless things change, that we, the working class, are doomed to a lifetime of poverty. Working paycheck to paycheck, week to week, day to day, living hand to mouth. Too many people have seen their parents work their entire life, themselves work their entire life and end up in the exact same place, if not worse than where they started.

I’m not going to go into all the facts and figures around the average worker’s salary as compared to the average CEO salary and the huge disparity between the two which has grown even larger in the past decade. You can find those figures almost anywhere and it’s an argument that no one seems to be listening to anyway.

My point is that I don’t think a lot of these lawsuits are necessarily being made by freeloaders that want a free ride. I think a good majority of them are being made by honest hardworking people that are starting to understand that the only way they are going to get their piece of the pie is to slip and fall and take it.

It’s like America’s dirty little secret. No one likes to talk about it. No one really knows what to do about it. You have neighborhoods and communities all over this country filled with people that work 50-60 hours a week and still can barely afford to pay their bills. But no one likes to talk about it because no one wants to admit that they have to plan and save up just to go out to dinner occasionally. No one wants to admit they feel like a failure because they can’t provide for their family. It’s not your fault, believe that.

If corporations would just understand how much more productive their workforce would be and how much money they would save if they just took care of their employees, if they gave them a chance to succeed. If you pay someone and honest living wage and give them the opportunity to feel good about what they do you will find that there is absolutely nothing that can’t be accomplished.

For the most part people just want to live their lives in peace. They want to be able to have a little money saved, know they’re going to be able to pay their bills on time and maybe be able to send their kid to college.

People are going to start realizing very soon why we are the richest nation in the world. It’s because of our workforce. The same people that work and build and live and die are the people that buy your products and keep you in business. They are the people that have made this country great, not the CEO. All we’re asking in return is for our fair share of the profits.

“During the 1990s, corporate profits have risen 108%. But this wealth has remained concentrated at the top of the corporate hierarchy. During this time, workers’ pay has risen 28% (before adjusting for inflation). Meanwhile, CEO pay has rise 481%.”

I don’t really think it’s too much to ask for us to enjoy a little of the wealth we helped to create. We’re not asking for our own private jets like you have. We’d just like to be able to afford to go see the Jets play a football game once in a while. We’re not asking for a summer house in the Hamptons like you have. We’re just asking to be able to make our house mortgage every month. I know you CEO types have a tendency to be a bit jumpy and think that everyone is out to steal your profits from you. Calm down, it’s OK. We just want what’s coming to us, not the entire pie. See, unlike you, most of us were raised to believe we only take what we have worked for and earned, so we don’t want anymore, we’re just sick of getting any less.

Tempin' Ain't Easy


Today I was given two three ring binders. I had to take some papers out of one, and put them in the other. And take some out of the other and put them in the one. This came with about a 10 minute explanation on how to do said activity. I pretended like I was listening to the explanation, when in fact I was day dreaming about my new idea of starting a new temp company and charging corporations half of what the other temp companies do taking advantage of a new temp labor force consisting entirely of…Monkeys. Sure it may be hard at first to train the monkeys to get to work on time and find an office building on Madison Ave. but once they get the hang of that the rest is cake.

After I successfully take over the entire temping industry, I will set my sights on the lucrative messenger business. I will be the richest man in the world and even better, I’ll have thousands of monkeys to do my bidding. Beware Manhattan, TempMonkeys is coming to an office near you.

Ode to the Dog in My Courtyard


I hate you dog in my courtyard
You bark and bark all night long

I used to consider myself a dog person
until I met you

now i wish you were dead
dog in my courtyard.

do you bark because you’re scared?
lonely?
sad?
hungry?

I don’t care, I’d like to kill your owners for leaving you there.

Perhaps you are not completely useless
dog in my courtyard.

If i could get to you perhaps you could be trained.
I could teach you all the right moves,

to kill the guys doing construction in my courtyard.
then perhaps I could learn to love you.

A New Blog is a Lonely Blog


Being the new blog on the block is a lonely plight. No one even knows you exist. It seems there are already a few people who may be checking out TBDBOTP but it’s still a few million short of where I’d like to be right now. I feel like after four days of blogging I am still a little shy of the million hits a day I was expecting at this point.

Why have an ego if you can’t stroke it? If I had a life savings I would seriously consider dumping it into some sort of marketing company to create a media blitz about my blog. My blog has brought me so much joy and happiness, I want it to help heal others too. Bloggie can help.

If I could just gather a few thousand people together and tell them I have a blog and send them out into the world to tell others, then we’d be getting somewhere. I long to walk past the water cooler and here people talking excitedly about The Best Damn Blog on the Planet. One day soon I’ll have the A List clout of movie stars and politicians. Perhaps this one small, humble blog could be my first step in my plans for complete world domination. Definitely food for thought.

Sometimes I feel like the blog really isn’t pulling its weight, like I’m doing all the work. Then I realize, he ain’t heavy, he’s my blogger. We can do it boy. It won’t be easy, but we’ll get through. We’ll pull out all the stops to be The Best Damn Blog on the Planet. And by “we”, I mean “me”.

If you are interested and would like to work for or on my media blitz/campaign to spread the word about TBDBOTP you can e-mail me here. Since I have absolutely no idea what any of that entails, it would probably help if you had a plan of some sort to go along with the e-mail. Thanks in advance!

I Will Beat the Stupid Right Out of You


What in the hell has happened to us? Is stupidity our next step in evolution? Do we have any idea or concept of where our money, as a nation, goes? This is what we are paying our scientists to figure out for us? A fucking scientist? Researched this? Figured this out? We have people living in the richest country in the world that can’t afford health insurance and this fucking guy is getting paid to do a study on whether or not larger food portions are contributing to us getting fatter? Maybe we can get him to crack open some other age old mysteries like, where babies come from or just where does the sun go at night or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop or maybe he can finally put together the riddle of who put the bop in the bop she bop.

Thank god McDonald’s is finally coming out with nutritional information I was curious whether or not their food was good for you.

Seriously, what the fuck happened to this country? It seems like there was a time way before I was born when people worked hard, could afford to live and have a family off of one income and still manage to save a little. Now you have corporations buying up every small business they can get their hands on. There’s no competition. They set the market value at whatever the hell they want. They can pay you whatever the hell they want because where else are you going to go? They own everything.

Maybe there’s something wrong when capitalism turns to imperialism. “Imperialism is characterized by monopoly corporations and the compulsion to export capital abroad (for higher profits). Unlike capitalism in earlier stages, in the imperialist stage, capitalism has no more progress to bring the world, only the continuous threat of extinction through world war and environmental catastrophe.”

It’s no wonder we’re a nation of lazy idiots. Our system has become this fucking monster that is so omnipresent it is impossible to wrap your mind around it without going apeshit. (Is apeshit two words?)

I know you’re asking yourself, “what can I do?” Well, I don’t have the answer for everyone but I can tell you what I’m doing about it. I just ordered myself the premium cable package, with over 150 channels of viewing pleasure. I also got the new DVR (digital video recorder) box which is basically the cable company’s answer to TiVo. I know a lot of you may be doubting my tactics. “How does that solve anything?” you might say. Well the honest answer is that it doesn’t, but I now get to pause live sporting events and watch The Family Guy whenever the hell I want so that makes me care a whole lot less about what’s going on outside of my apartment.